Anyone can find a date. If you have a computer, you have a date. You already know how it works: register, write a profile and the path to passion is yours. Once configured, the system should work like a charm. Someone should answer and rape, you have a date. In the real world we screw it up!
Dan and Linda exchanged meaningless email conversations forever, but learned nothing about each other. Dan doesn’t know that Linda is the age of her mother. Linda has no idea that Dan lives with his girlfriend. We use up our energy by emailing people we would never introduce to our parents.
Misrepresentation on the Internet is great. Janice, a fitness enthusiast, was excited about her email exchange with Rob, who seemed to share her interest. They wrote about mountain biking and golf. Janice never asked when was the last time she participated in these activities. When they put on, it was obvious that she was out of shape. He was a happy couch potato who wanted to impress Janice. What a waste of time. In face-to-face dating, we make mistakes as we quickly grow sixteen on our date. That silly comic book tie he’s wearing, 10 strikes against him. We’re done! The magical chemistry did not happen. We never find out that Mr. Comic Tie has a successful business, he is a great person with loyal family relationships. He has the character we’re looking for, but we couldn’t get past that silly tie. We are not fit to date. We are ill-equipped to handle dates and ask relevant questions. Despite abundant dating advice, most never move beyond the façade.
What type of date are you? If you’re a dater for pleasure, you’re playing the game. It feels good to be loved and even better to choose. You dated so many, but even if you like someone, you can’t move on. Someone better could come. Why should you settle for Jack, if you can meet Joe tomorrow? If you are a mission dater, he is serious and discriminating. You should easily overlook those who don’t qualify, no matter how beautiful they are. However, the opposite is the case. Even serious daters get distracted by superficial attributes and end up with the wrong person.
Most singles are decent human beings, however, we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to fire people in the blink of an eye. The most vital attribute for a healthy relationship is character. Ask someone who is happily married. Today, we skip character and go for the superficial stuff. And that has to change! If you’re serious, you’re serious. You’re tired of wasting time and ready for a change, right? In short: nothing will change until you change. Put another way: everything changes when you do it.
4 important changes you can make right now:
BE TRUE in your profile. this is huge. When you blend into the singles market, you paint your best picture. Giving your best doesn’t mean inflating your image. There is only one of you. No need to create a second identity.
My client showed me his profile. I’m not kidding, but the person in front of me was not the same. He told me that his 3 children live with him, but in his profile he claimed not to have children. He mentioned his body type as athletic, but he was severely overweight. He’s not a bad person, he’s just misrepresented. The key to compatibility is being real, instead of pretending. This may not guarantee high interest, but if you’re serious about quality, not quantity, a truthful profile will attract someone who’s also sincere.
GO DEEPER into your email exchange. Ask questions about their lives, values, hobbies, and interests. Rephrase questions in subsequent emails and compare responses. Go back to your profile and look for discrepancies. To verify age, ask when they graduated. To find out if they really like hiking, ask them where they hike. They could be walking alone in National Geographic. Consult employment, what do you do during a working day? Do they enjoy their work? The only thing you risk by asking is that your new friend will “stay out of the loop.” That could be a good thing.
BRING ISSUES THAT ARE IMPORTANT. If family means a lot, talk about it. If you love to travel, raise this topic. It can be politics or social issues. Start talking about it. If a healthy lifestyle is important, go for it. There is no point in getting involved with someone who has no interest in it. Whatever your values or interests, use the email exchange to clarify. Read between lines. This practice will help you determine compatibility early in the game. Shared values are important for long-term commitment. Don’t make the mistake so many singles do. They use the email exchange to impress each other and end up with little real information.
REMEMBER why you are looking for someone. If you want to increase your circle of friends, by all means have fun. But if you’re looking for love, dig deeper. Talk about what matters. Ask the questions that are important. Don’t let the sheer number of singles distract you from the character you’re really looking for. Keep in mind; most singles are vulnerable with the desire to be loved like you. Be smart, trust your instincts and get to the point!
© 2006 Allie Ochs