What do men value in a fairy tale marriage? An important factor is touch!

Pay close attention to this topic. Underline it, highlight it pink, and put three stars next to it. Nonverbal goes a long way with men. Touch and action are the way to his heart.

My TV co-host is a man who runs a men’s counseling and training camp. He works with husbands and boyfriends who feel out of place in their relationships or have self-esteem issues. His show advice to women is gold. He mentioned the very important component of touch.

“When a woman grabs her husband by the belt and pulls him close to her, it’s dynamite! Every nerve ending in this man is going to explode and whatever she is saying to him at that moment was highlighted in neon! When a A woman touches a man, his body and mind react, and he feels an instant connection to you. It’s an art that many women forget to employ.”

Usually women are too busy using their words to communicate and forget how powerful the sense of touch is for men. Running a finger around his neck while he cooks, putting your arms around his waist, nibbling on his ear are all shortcuts to his feelings for you. You can reconnect the two of you faster than words for the simple reason that men are more responsive to action. It’s partly why sex is so healing for men. It is a physical act and carries more weight than words. Women tend to respond more to romantic lines or him telling her how beautiful she is. Again… it’s the difference between the sexes.

The next time your guy is engrossed in the newspaper, iPad, or TV, don’t say a word, just walk past him and run your fingers lightly over his shoulders, perhaps adding a light squeeze at the end. Look what happens. He may look up in surprise or ask “What’s that for?” He just smiles flirtatiously over his shoulder and continues. Silence can be powerful when touch speaks. Touch his wrist when you talk to him. He will draw his attention to you if his mind has wondered. Lean into the car and nibble on his ear or kiss his neck. A playful smack on his butt sends a signal that you like his body.

• Mark*, 34, accountant. “One day, my wife walked into the kitchen where I was making a sandwich. She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pulled me close to her face, and looking me square in the eye, she said, “Did I tell you today that I think? Are you unbelievably sexy?” He kissed me hard, letting me go and walking away saying, “Bye. I’m going to go shopping,” and walked out the door. I almost fell. It was an incredible feeling and very unexpected. I tended to her the rest of the day and night.”

I know what you’re thinking, and you may be right. There’s a good chance that touching it could make your motoring speed up. If you’re not in the mood for sex, be careful where you touch him. Teasing is not nice if you have no plans to move on. If he gets more aggressive and you’re not ready to move on, whisper in his ear that “patience is a virtue” and that “good things come to those who wait.” Kiss him softly and whisper “Later.” It will be buzzing all day.

I have interviewed over 2000 men on all relationship related topics; from the first date to thirty years of marriage. The overwhelming response to “What do you respond to, words or actions?” it was “Action or touch”. It’s not rocket science. If you look at what attracts men, it’s obvious that action beats a talk fest. You’ll see guys beating each other up in sports, elbow-deep in motor oil, conquering the barbecue grill, playing video games, and arm-wrestling just for fun. It’s how they’re wired. Women continue to mess things up by trying to force men to engage with them on a feminine level. It doesn’t work and it never will. It results in two frustrated parties going to their corners in preparation for round 2 of an argument.

Let’s take this another way: what makes you feel connected to your man? Is it a romantic gesture like flowers, letters, or going out to dinner? Maybe his words give you that warm tug in your stomach. “You look beautiful tonight” will make any woman feel special and truly connected to him at that moment. But men are… all together now… different! Words are fine and we all like to receive compliments, but men respond to action and touch. A massage, a foot massage, running your fingers through his hair, sliding your fingertips over his skin, all make him feel pampered and appreciated. Men have said that the sense of touch can take away the stress of a long day at work and center you. Pretty powerful stuff. And just a side note here: if you give him a compliment while playing it, it will shock him in a way that amounts to fireworks.

When two people connect on the levels that are important to them (men with action, women with words) they form a bond. Keeping the flirtation going in a marriage will keep the romantic fire burning. When a guy feels you want him physically (like grabbing his belt and pulling him to you), he’ll literally scale mountains, swim in piranha-infested waters, and take on 12 beefy linebackers to make you happy. Denying him that affirmation that you love his masculinity and his masculine needs will leave you with crumbs. Doesn’t a banquet sound much better?

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