My name is Lauren and I have been a sole custodial support mother for almost thirteen years. I have two boys, thirteen years old, and no, they are not twins. They are separated by nine months and I became a single mother when they were seven months old and sixteen months old. I never dreamed that my children would have a lazy father and that I would be raising fatherless children.
I can still to this day hear my oldest son, who I picked up from preschool when he was four years old, sobbing uncontrollably on Father’s Day because he didn’t have a father to give his handmade gift to, but all the other kids who I knew he had parents. Every year I dreaded Father’s Day. I know it wouldn’t be fair to kids who have dads not being able to celebrate by giving presents at school, but frankly the two or three days it took to complete their presents must have been very sad for my kids.
It has gotten easier over the years, and now my children and I can laugh about this sad subject, although there were some difficult moments that had to be worked out before they could get to where they are now. Do’s and Don’ts of Raising Fatherless Children:
- DON’T belittle the father of your children. No matter what kind of ill feelings you harbor toward the father of your children, I cannot stress enough how important it is to their well-being that you not speak ill of their father. He is not there to be “hurt” by your words, but your children are. It affects his self-esteem and causes stress when his own flesh-and-blood father is a “horrible guy.” It amazes me that a mother tells me that she loves her children so much and then I hear her turn around and speak ill of him to her children.
- DON’T burden them with your financial worries. Telling your kids that you’re having trouble paying the bills or making the house payment because your dad isn’t paying you child support only makes them feel insecure. Children internalize their exaggerated worries. They know nothing of financial matters. Would you like them to think that they can end up without a home to live in?
- DO NOT keep mentioning his name. If he’s not in their lives, then why talk about him and think “what if or only?” Build a bridge and get over it. Get on with his life.
- DO NOT act helpless without a man around. You’re already showing how strong you are by being a sole custodial parent. They want their boys to end up marrying a strong woman. Remember that boys tend to marry women like their mothers. You don’t want your daughters to end up thinking they need a man around all the time to help them out.
- DON’T belittle the male gender. Remember, you’re raising “little men.” Putting down men puts down your children. You also don’t want your daughters to dislike men before they have a chance to meet them! There are a lot of cool guys out there!
- DO NOT have an appointment to pick you up at your house. Until you’re in an established relationship, it’s best to keep your personal love life separate from your “mom” life.
- DO NOT incorporate and involve your new boyfriend in your children’s lives. I had a friend who a week after meeting a “new guy” had him over to her house helping her kids with their homework! Since my kids don’t even have a weekend dad, I didn’t want them to get attached to what in their minds might be a dad-to-be and then have the man walk out of their lives if things don’t work out.
- DO NOT allow the bride and groom to spend the night. meIt can be difficult to spend the night alone with the man of your life, but “hey”, that’s the way it is.
- Say “I love you” every day. It is very important that your children know that no matter what they do wrong, they are unconditional love.
- Tell your children that their father loves them but has chosen not to be a part of “our” lives. This advice was given to me by a family therapist when my children were very young. Later, your children will ask more questions when given this answer, at which point you can tell them what you think is an age-appropriate answer.
- Show them photos of their father when they ask. My oldest son asked to see a picture of his father when he was about six years old. I took out the photo album and after looking at two or three pages he told me that he wanted to go back to watching cartoons.
- Tell them that anyone can father a child, but it takes a special person to be a dad. Let them know that their father is not cut out to be a good father and has nothing to do with them. Let them know that their father loves them but that he is not cut out to be a father. You don’t have to sound like a saint, either.
- Tell them how proud you are of them. Nothing will make a child shine more than being told that you have made them proud.
- Discipline your children. Be consistent with discipline. Say what you think and do what you say. So many single parents tend to feel guilty because their children have an absent parent who they don’t discipline enough. It is a proven fact that well-disciplined children do better in school and in life. Remember that discipline is love.
I was born and raised in Southern California in what I would describe as a sort of “Ozzie and Harriett” family. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I really appreciated how lucky I was to grow up with a mom and dad living under the same roof. The same can also be said for all the other members of our family. I know that this is one of the reasons why I have felt guilty, although I know that the absence of the father of my children is not my fault, that my children were swindled to not have what I had. I had a wonderful father and I am grateful that he was so dedicated to his family.
All you can do as a parent is the best you can. Make wise decisions. Sometimes it can be hard to consistently put your children’s well-being before your own, especially if you’re feeling lonely or in times of stress, but it will be worth it in the long run. They grow so fast. Make this unique opportunity count. There are no “repetitions” when it comes to parenting. Single parenting is not easy. Either one is dual parenting. You are not perfect and you will make mistakes. fatherless children can grow up happy and feeling secure even if they only have one father. His lazy parents [http://www.squidoo.com/Raising-Sons-Without-a-Man-Around] they are missing so much. You are not perfect. The fact is that you have to forgive yourself for any mistakes…The most important thing to remember…
LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS… IT’S LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!