Romance is a way of expressing your love, the icing on the cake. But don’t wait for special occasions to express your love. Be sure to nurture your love relationship by practicing these basic habits in your daily life. These may seem very basic, but how many do you practice regularly? Don’t despair… it’s never too late to adopt good love habits.
Most couples who come to my counseling practice for problems report that their marriage lost romance a long time ago. It’s easy to feel romantic when you live apart and hang out together, because every moment you spend together is special. From the moment you start living together, those romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of their time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, doing the dishes, paying the bills, or going to work. Although this may be new, exciting, and fun at first, as soon as the initial novelty of living together wears off, everyday things stop being exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner doesn’t care as much or is as excited to be with you anymore.
Developing these good relationship habits will make a huge difference in your happiness.
good relationship habits
1. Don’t resist, listen.
We often have an instinctive negative response to what a partner tells us or wants to do. Instead of answering in the negative, “That won’t work…” “We can’t do that…” Try to listen and think for a few more seconds. You may find that your initial response changes, and in any case, listening and understanding is not the same as agreeing. When your spouse feels that what he says matters to you, the nature of communication will change for the better.
2. Increases sweetness.
Married life has its inevitable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, we need to put some energy into increasing the sweetness between us. Consideration, ‘thank you’ and courtesy and caring gestures are the WD-40 of your marriage. Say “I love you” every day. Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a splash of sweetness often. You will be surprised at how good you feel and how much more receptive your partner is.
3. Goodbye kiss and hello.
Give him a hug while you do it. Affection keeps the juices flowing and the romance alive.
4. Maintain your courtship behavior.
Treat your partner even better than when you were dating… Remember that you are dating. Touch each other. Sit close to your partner and gently place your hand on their shoulder, leg, or arm. If he’s in the car, gently touch his shoulder or arm. You will find that your conversation becomes warmer and more affectionate. If you have been struggling or are ready to forgive each other, looking at each other and holding hands will help you feel more secure and positively connected.
5. Don’t worry about the little things.
You can let their bad habits bother you into distraction… or you can accept them and work them out. Does she leave the toothpaste cap? Buy separate tubes… Do you leave clothes lying around? Ignore them or pick them up, reminding yourself how much he does for you in other ways. Or make it easier for your partner to satisfy you… place baskets and clothes hangers within easy reach.
6. Focus on the positive.
Instead of thinking about the ways they let you down, think about all the positive things about your partner that drew you to them in the first place.
7. Take a breath when you’re angry.
Don’t try to talk when either of you is angry. Take a few minutes to walk around the block, lie down, just move away from each other so you can regroup. A short break will allow both of you to stay on track and talk about what’s bothering you instead of accidental personal insults you’ll later regret.
8. Don’t use your partner’s secrets or weaknesses against them… ever!
What may seem insignificant, trivial, or cute to you may be serious to your partner. Recognize what is important to your partner, and do not discuss it with your friends, mother, your family, anyone! And certainly don’t talk back at them in an argument. A loving relationship is one of the most intimate and trusting that anyone can have.
9. Think first of your partner.
If they both do this, then they can’t help but win! Remember that first and foremost, you are partners. Keep this in mind and check back often to make sure you are acting as a partner and not a competitor or dodger. They’re in this together, and partnership is what it’s all about. Say ‘yes’ to your partner whenever you can… go to that sporting event with him, take him to that golf course because he loves golf, visit his family, make life easier for your partner, and hopefully they will do the same for you! Reciprocity is the key.
10. Respect each other.
Don’t talk bad about your partner with anyone, not even jokingly! Negative words have a habit of sticking around and appearing when things go wrong. When you talk about your partner, let your respect and love shine through. Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile would be inappropriate, look them in the eye and smile as you listen. Your partner will automatically feel more understood and loved, which will change the sentiment level of the conversation. This doesn’t mean staring without blinking, but just staring frequently for a few seconds at a time, to communicate your attention.
11. Find a way to regroup every day.
Figure out what works well for both of you… eat a meal together, meet for drinks at happy hour, skip the TV at night and just lie in bed in the dark, take a walk around the block, etc. You can even mix things up and vary your routine. If one of you is away, call home at night just to hear his voice. The point is to spend time together every day, just talking or breathing the same air, feeling connected. No matter how crazy you are with work, kids, and bills, setting aside a regular time each week for marriage is essential. Have a “date night” that includes a “state of the union” discussion or go for a nice walk or drive. Staying connected means things don’t build up to fighting status, and you’ll remember how great you two are together. Don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate each other. Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, so when you spend quality time together, you’ll both be more motivated to make your marriage the best it can be.
12. Try laughter.
If something frustrating happens, try to ease the tension with a little humor. After a difficult interaction in a store, on your way out, you might say, “That went well.” with a touch of irony. Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say “the gremlins are here again,” “there’s always something,” or “it could happen” to turn the stress into nonsense. Don’t make fun of your partner, but use shared humor as a way of saying, “I know this is hard, but we’ll get through it.” Your partner will think of you as reassuring and helpful to have around when problems arise.
13. Use pleasant surprises.
Try a love note in your spouse’s briefcase, a post-it with a smiley face on the bottom of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card, or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected pat on the bottom, a hug, or a kiss to say “I’m thinking of you and I love you.”
14. Remember the good times.
“Remember when…” is a great start to a love conversation. It creates so many good feelings to remember what you were like when you were dating, when you got married, when you first bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion. Reminding each other of your strong history together is one way to increase your bond.
15. Show off to your friends in the presence of your partner.
Of course, tell your partner to their face how much you care, but also make sure to tell your friends, while your partner is around, what a great guy or girl you married. “Harold is very attentive. He Today he helped me with the house.” Or “Sue is a great mom. She really gives the kids the feeling that they are loved and still keeps them on the ball.” Or, “Did you hear? Fred got a great promotion. I’m so proud of him.” Or, “I don’t know what he would do without Judy. She’s so good with money.” Or, “Isn’t my sweetie looking great today? I’m so lucky.” Don’t worry if your partner looks embarrassed. He or she will also be pleased and will remember your swagger for a long time.
Remember… the more you put into your relationship, the more you earn! Make love and romance a part of your daily life!
Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together https://tinyurl.com/ycvrckus