I’ve always liked the saying “People don’t drown because they fall into the water. They drown because they stay there.” We all know that person who is always in trouble. They are surrounded by chaos and all they do is complain about how terrible life is. It took me years to get to this point, but I say drown.
Many years ago I had a working relationship with a well known psychologist who had worked with many A-level celebrities. She gave me the best advice. She noticed that she was wasting a lot of energy on this particular client. She asked me why I was working so hard. I told him they needed my help. She said yes, but you can’t work harder than your client. Wow! Simple but true. I, like so many other people, had the best of intentions. However, intentions do not help people. Actions do.
Now, both in my personal and professional life, I work according to the 3-stroke principle. If you come to me and ask for my help, and if I do my best in terms of creating a safe space, giving advice or just listening to you, and you have not taken any action, I will let you drown. And it’s not because I don’t love you and want to help, but you’re clearly not ready to get the job done.
We see this in the world of addiction recovery all the time. Just sit down in any Al-Anon or other family support group that deals with addictions and watch this principle unfold. Sometimes to save or reach someone, you have to let them hurt. And while it is painful to see family, friends, or clients in pain, we cannot work harder than them.
I don’t think any of us want to turn our backs on someone who is hurting. But there comes a time when all your efforts fall on deaf ears. If someone is sincerely trying, then yes, by all means match their intensity to solve this problem. On the other hand, if they are left in an unhealthy situation, cut the rope and offer prayers. But keep going.
I don’t mean someone who is battling cancer and not getting better. I mean the person who continues to return to the abusive relationship, after their entire support system has used up all of their energy and resources to help them. I mean the friend who is on his third DUI and is calling you to rescue him, despite not having paid you, much less going to rehab, for the last one. I mean that friend who is always broke, but who lives far beyond his means and asks for money to maintain his public services.
It doesn’t make you a bad person to have limits. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no. Think in terms of the principle of 3. Because if they don’t understand the problem, or have tried to fix it, you are a facilitator and you are not helping them. You already know the whole “Give a man a fish and he will eat today. Teach him to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.”
Helping someone is a sacred act. Enabling someone is not. So the next time that friend who may be addicted to drama comes to ask for your help and his first thought will not be again? Let them drown.