“Forgive yourself.” “Be kind to yourself.” “Love yourself.” And a common one I’ve often been guilty of when encouraging people: “Be nice to yourself.” All well-intentioned turns of phrase, but completely empty of spiritual usefulness; the equivalent of high GI sugary fast food.
Self-love is everywhere these days, especially on social media; even among those who confess faith in Jesus. Always present in all humanity, as part of our predilection for sin, on this day it is inescapable and pervades even (especially) the church, which should be well saved from a ‘love’ that bypasses God.
No wonder it doesn’t work.
But alas, we are human beings! We are meant to try to fix ourselves! Why not add a bit of our own pitiful strength to ourselves in our weakness?
Why not? Because it does not work…
It is in our weakness that we are forced to add more weakness in the vain hope that it will make us strong. But strength only comes when we are honest with God about our need for God. Love cannot and does not come from ourselves to ourselves.
This age has absorbed us. Others do it to give us permission to sin a little. Whether it’s grandiose self-absorption, social media-worthy photos, family and other celebratory reveals (presenting the image that we’re superiorly blessed, which creates envy in others), or flaunting religious favors, it matters. little: celebrity is a common idolatry to engage in, celebrities are demigods, we are all fans of someone or something, and everything is a road to nowhere disguised as heaven, and when it is, completely devoid of God.
All roads to nowhere are a journey into spiritual confusion and frustration because we strive for a meaning that cannot satisfy or dominate. And worst of all is the practice of a bold self-confidence that is not aware or does not care to change.
But… if we strive for the right, the best, the counterintuitive, we will be satisfied.
There is a love that works!
I understand why the world is caught up in a romance about self-love. It seems so common sense.
Why are we going for it? Easy. It is the opposite direction of self-hatred, which literally sweeps the world in waves to the devil’s delight. Self love is no match for those voices of self-loathing we all hear emanate from within from time to time. (Okay, only those who will admit it.)
Self-love can fix an immediate craving, like a cigarette for a nicotine fix. But very soon, that empty reality imprints itself on our consciousness again. That existential routine! Will not disappear. We can’t fix this. There is a hole in us that is filled in only one way.
There is a way to combat this self-loathing that binds to our minds.
There is a way, but it is not what we expect. There is only one love that can help.
A love beyond any vain idol we otherwise cling to.
First it is necessary to mention why self-love is ridiculous. How can a person struggling with self-loathing deal with it on their own when she can’t control that voice of self-loathing within herself?
Self love is used as an attempt to control something we have no control over.
We don’t want to admit to ourselves that we’re out of control, or that we can’t control every bit of our lives. If we’re honest, that’s a scary thought. And naturally, we don’t want to surrender our remaining control to God, which requires faith, which is trust, when we prefer self-sufficiency or trust in others. Tremble the thought, many think so, to give whatever power we have to God!
But the supremacy of love exists in letting go of what can only harm us.
We must entrust ourselves to this love that is found only in letting ourselves be loved. Self love can never be a form of kindness.
What a cosmic paradox it is: we must let go of our self-love to understand how loved we are.
The very use we make of self-esteem suggests that we are in denial. Self love is used to combat its opposite. The use of self-love suggests that we need it, because we engage in self-hatred. And because we hate ourselves, we must now agree that self-love is a futile journey. It can’t work, because it comes from within us that we dedicate ourselves to self-hatred. Follow the logic?
We cannot be loved by someone who hates us.
If the love with which we love ourselves is partly hate, we don’t really believe that love is really love.
Somehow, deep down in each of us, we feel unworthy of unconditional love. God must show us that we are worthy of love. God did this on the cross.
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We need a love that is external to us; what is obtained beyond what our own resources can create.
A love that comes from within often doubts its own sincerity.
And a broken love, a love from within the brokenness itself, is bound to fail us more when we feel more broken.
The love we need is perfectly unconditional and eternally available love: the truest and safest love known, which is also the only true and safe love. But this love is also more common for rejection. We reject it because, again, we hate to trust what is external to us, and we think that trusting it is difficult or ridiculous. You don’t feel safe. It feels like too much of a sacrifice.
External trust is the relinquishment of control. We can’t control God, but we can’t control life either. And we cannot experience the love of God without letting it go. However, it is the best risk we can take. This totally trustworthy love is 30, 60, 100 times better than any love we can pretend to give ourselves.
Self love is a road to nowhere, but God’s unconditional love
it is paved like a golden highway to the blood-soaked cross of Jesus Christ, and never away from it.
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To confess our poverty of spirit, to be emptied of our pride and sin, is to carry our cross with Christ, in identification with Jesus, trusting that God knows best; and in this, the Holy Spirit fills us with the love of the Father, to the extremes of peace, hope and joy.
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The cross is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To know him is to know love; how God came down to resurrect us; the bewildering depths of love in grace that forgives our guilt and frees us to live as if we were already in heaven.